“entre nous”

/ˌäntrə ˈno͞o/—adjective—“between ourselves; privately.”

it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually written something on here, but I’ve still been active — I rebranded! this is now a blog for words I love tied with thoughts I think and want to share with, well, whoever the hell is reading this (just me, really). so yeah, not much is changing, I’m just including super cool words that I’ve collected over years and want to remember forever.

but yeah, now moving on to the actual post.

i’ve been feeling, recently, that my life is overwhelmingly private and I tend to share little bits of it with people I know. I share more of it with the people I like, and a decent chunk with the people I love. it’s this sense of personal privacy that has me overthinking at 12am, wondering if i’m different from everyone else and this is why I don’t have a 30-person friend group that has staged instagram photoshoots.

but the thing is, I’ve never really wanted that. (and now, I’m finishing this post the next day and trying to remember where my thoughts were). I think that I was trying to get at my tendency to under-share certain things and over-share others. it’s actually exhausting sometimes, and I’m going to complain about it here because this blog is my personal rant space and I couldn’t care less if nobody wants to hear it!

I hate the fact that I share every single minute detail about certain aspects of my life with my closest friends because I really can’t resist telling them, and I love hearing their reactions, but it feels like I leave nothing for myself. that’s actually part of why I started writing on here — I just wanted something for myself. but it’s those moments, when I feel like I overshare, that I neglect the fact that I leave so much of myself to mystery, maintain an air of ambiguity around myself. I don’t tell my best friends what I do with my time, I don’t tell them when something really exciting happens or when I achieve something. that’s the root of the problem: I’m so afraid to share my accomplishments with others. I don’t know if it’s a weird modesty, moral compass thing, but I hate telling people when I’m proud of myself.

and now, 3 days later when i’m finally finishing this post after my PSAT, I hate that I get so overwhelmed by other people’s accomplishments because I never share mine. I hate that I feel painfully strong imposter’s syndrome when I really have no right feeling that way, because I know I’m just fine where I am and I’m qualified and I can accomplish whatever I want. maybe it’s egotistical to think so, but it’s what I need to think. and today, after discussing how i’m feeling with people who are experiencing the same, and with people who love me and listen to me, i feel a little bit better.

I feel like I’m almost where I need to be. we’re getting there, and we’re in it for the long haul.