eternal ennui

hi! It’s actually been so long since I’ve been here, and my reasoning for being back is a bit… questionable, but the gist of it is that I just really missed writing. to be fair, I’ve been having the most eventful weekend in a while and actually been participating in school events, so that’s my excuse.

to be brutally honest, the title is something of a misnomer. I don’t know if I’ve truly been feeling ennui, or if I’ve just been feeling like something is missing. maybe it’s regret, maybe it’s loneliness. I wish I knew, but what I do know is that I’ve been so unfathomably happy at some moments, and then so down at others. I’ve really been experiencing the full spectrum of emotions these past couple weeks, and it’s been something of an enlightening experience.

there is nothing that is fully worth it if it causes you to experience ennui. feeling that life is dull is possibly the biggest contradiction to life itself. so yeah, that math homework that you’re inevitably going to do, it likely isn’t going to be worth it, by these standards.

but the thing is, we are constantly doing things that aren’t worth our time, that instill within us an unshakeable sense of ennui. things that make us sad, resentful, angry, heartbroken, lonely, despairing. hearing that it isn’t worth it doesn’t stop us from forging friendships and relationships, from sacrificing temporary good things for a better, permanent outcome.

if we only did things that were worth it, the things that actually are worthwhile wouldn’t feel nearly as much so. I’ve come to terms with, and honestly appreciate the fact that i’m going to be upset, and lonely, and bored, and dissatisfied, because these feelings and the memories that accompany serve to accentuate the good shit. I want to feel the good shit, in all its glory, and if that means I have to feel the bad shit sometimes, I’ll take it.

life is all about tradeoffs, and it’s also about relativity (not Einstein’s, this is Bhavya’s theory). we give up good for bad, bad for good, and we can never get all of one at once—in fact, that wouldn’t be any good. we also measure memories and emotions and mindsets compared to those we’ve experienced before. you can’t feel the full force of the good things in life if you’ve never had a taste of the negative, because what’s there to compare to?

and by this logic, there’s nothing worth comparing your own experiences to but your own past experiences. you can’t possibly know how anyone else feels at any given time. we have no reason to compare our good or bad times to anyone else’s. it’s all about personal growth, baby! and we can’t achieve that unless we’re working towards our own best self, not your best friend’s, or that girl on your instagram feed’s.

so yeah, just… feel. don’t be afraid to attack the bad head-on, and never hold back when it comes to experiencing the good. maybe in those feelings, you’ll find peace. I hope I do.